Languages of Love

"The Five Love Languages" is a book, by Gary Chapman, that anyone who is in a relationship, has ever been in one or will ever be in one should read. Here are the basics.

You need all five forms of love, but there is usually one (or two) that is your primary language of love. Your love language(s) is evident in two ways: you speak it more often than the other languages, and you feel most loved when it is spoken to you. If your partner does not speak to you in your love language, you may not feel loved, even if they are speaking to you in THEIR OWN primary language of love. The other person may love you totally and completely, but if they aren't expressing it in your language, you won't be interpreting what they say and/or do as love. The same is true for them- if you do not use their primary language, they may feel unloved too. So, you need to learn to speak to your partner in their love language, and help them learn to speak to you in yours.

The languages of love are:

1. Words of Affirmation- Verbal appreciation, words of encouragment, praise, kindness, or simply saying "I love you."

2. Quality Time- Spending time together, undivided attention, being in the same room, taking a walk, planning a special evening for your partner, reading together...just being together.

3. Gifts- visual or tangible symbols of love. To be effective it must be something that would please the other person, also if it is unexpected (rather than for a birthday or holiday). A letter, flowers, something they've said they wanted, something you make etc. Does not need to be expensive or of any monetary value.

4. Acts of Service- When you do something for the person you love, things that take planning, effort, time and energy. Taking the trash out, doing the dishes, washing their car, helping with the kids, laundry, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, etc. The most important thing is that they do not have to ask you do it (or at least not have to ask for it more than once). And you can't complain or make them feel bad for you having to do it. Also, different kinds of service have different value to different people. For example, a husband thinks that his going to work is showing love for his family...while a wife thinks that is what he's supposed to do anyways. Or a wife cleans the house really good and doesn't have dinner ready, and the husband would rather have had a nice dinner than a clean house.

5. Physical Touch- This is a basic human need, however, some need it more than others to feel loved. In a romantic relationship, sexual intimacy is a big part, but its much more than that. Standing or sitting close together, eye contact, holding hands, scratching your back, playing with your hair, massages, cuddling, hugs, kisses etc. Once again different things are more important to different people. For example, a husband and wife are intimate, and the husband goes to bed feeling happy and loved, while the wife is sad that her husband didn't cuddle with her.

I think my love language is acts of service. If I ask for something to be done and it never gets done, it's not that it annoys me that I have to do it myself...it actually makes me feel that you didn't do it cause you don't love me or you're mad at me (Irrational, I know, but true). If I spend the day cleaning and then you come home and make a mess, that hurts my feelings and makes me feel unappreciated. To make me feel loved all you have to do is do something (anything) for me, but the most important part of the service is that you do it without being asked and that if asked, you do it happily. Another big thing is after I've done an act of service, I need to feel appreciated. I could really get into this but that would take forever. So I'll leave it at that.