Is it weird...

that when I watch shows or movies where there is murder involved I always leave thinking about how I would have done it better so that I wouldn't get caught?

My favorite show OF ALL TIME is "Law & Order: SVU"...I know it's kind of weird, but that's me. Another show that I watched religiously before Jared and I moved into our ghetto house with local cable only was "Snapped." This is a show about how real women go nuts and kill their husbands. Granted the husband usually deserves it. Jared thinks it is really creepy that I love that show. I also like shows like "The First 48 Hours," "Forensic Files," "America's Most Wanted," "CSI," and all the other "Law & Orders." I bet you didn't know I was dark and mysterious what with my blond hair and mad birthday cake skills :)

Point of the story is...

Jen's List of Valuable Lessons for Murder

1. Establish an alibi!
2. Wear gloves so that you do not leave fingerprints
3. Wear hair net so those pesky hairs don't get left anywhere (you thought those were only for lunch ladies!)
4. Wear long sleeves so that your victim can't scratch you, leaving your DNA under their fingernails
5. Don't research anything related to poison, weapons, bombs, or how to kill people on your home computer
6. If you go to an internet cafe, don't use a credit card to pay for it, and sign in with a different name
7. Also don't use a credit card to buy anything you're going to use to kill the person or discard the body, i.e. rope, shovel, weapons etc.
8. Do not for any reason put the body in your car or in your refrigerator (come on people!)
9. Don't put them in the ocean, a lake, a river, etc... they always get found very quickly
10. If you bury them...don't do it near your house. Especially not in your back yard.
11. When the police question you don't change your story a gazillion times
12. Don't have an affair at the same time if you're murdering your spouse...it always makes you the prime suspect.
13. If you hire someone...make sure they aren't going to tell on you...in fact make sure they never see your face, know your name or hear your voice.
14. If you're killing your spouse don't take out large life insurance policies for them right before you kill them.

And that's all I can think of right now. And just because I know all of this doesn't mean I'm a bad person. My sister-in-law wrote about how she wants to rob a bank just so she can see if she can do it (she'd give the money back of course.) I seriously will never kill anyone...but if I did I would get away with it. (Dear Investigator: If Jared ever goes missing, please ignore this post. It wasn't me...please go find my husband's killer.)

In 6th grade I got a way with a crime. Not only did I get away with it, but someone else had to take the wrap. I HATED this particular teacher and now I can't even remember why. Anyways, every morning she would have a student go down to the teacher's lounge to get her a cup of coffee. One day I was really mad at her, so after a boy went and got her coffee I put a piece of chalk in her cup. Now I figured it would dissolve and she'd drink it and she'd never even know. But get this...chalk doesn't really dissolve. So she drank that cup of coffee and at the bottom she found a piece of soggy chalk. And she blamed it on the boy that got her coffee and he got a referral. Poor kid. Here's the thing...I felt really really bad about it. Not about what I did, but that the kid got in trouble for it...but I have never been in trouble, not ever. In first grade I had to pull my card from green to yellow and put my head down on my desk while the other kids were playing follow the leader and I cried. A lot. And this kid got referrals all the time, so I didn't think he would care that much. But me!? That would seriously have screwed up my PERMANENT RECORD and I never would have got in to college. So I stayed quiet and let him get in trouble for my crime. Since I don't remember who that boy was, I can't call him now and apologize, so this is my public apology to that little boy.

PS. I got my haircut last night after work...really short, the shortest I have ever had it. And I feel so hot right now :) There is nothing like a really good haircut to bump your ego points up a few notches.

PPS. I also got my teeth cleaned yesterday...what is with dentists always asking you questions when they have all their tools in your mouth?

PPPS. I'm having a really good day.