Diahhrea Man

is here right now for his new appointment. I guess he feels better! Someone saw him pull in to the parking lot so we all new he was coming in and we could not stop laughing. Before he walked in D, got on the intercom and started making toot noises. Everyone was falling apart, and of course I'm the one that has to pull it together to help him. My face is bright red as I ask, "How can I help you?" He introduces himself as the ladies are still laughing in the other room. When he came in he went over to see the office dog. Ya, it's kind of weird...my mother brings her little toy poodles to work with her. I guess if your husband is the boss you can do that sort of thing. They just sit on a little pillow on her desk. And when clients come in they go over and "ooh and aww" and pet the dogs. Anyways, so he was saying hi to Opie (short for Oprah) and I hear him say to her, "I bet you can smell my spaghetti can't you!?" That was all I could handle. Luckily I had to go upstairs for something. When I came back down he was sitting on the couch in front of my desk waiting for his appointment...eating. And it's not that eating while you wait for an apointment in itself is that weird...but he was seriously making pleasure noises while he ate. You know what I'm talking about when a person like moans after each bite...like it's the most delicious bite they've ever had. AWKWARD! I successfully ignored that and luckily his accountant was ready for him quickly.

Seriously, if you left a message like that for someone (not that you would ever do that!) but if you did, would you ever be able to show your face again? Not me, I would have looked for a new accountant.

In other news, a different client (this time a woman in her mid-30s) came in for her appointment and she had a big black smudge of something that looked like black paint or dirt on her forehead. I'm someone that always notices things like that, you know undone zippers, boogers hanging out of the nose, food in the teeth, etc etc. and I always think to myself "if that were me I would really want someone to tell me." BUT, I am never brave enough to approach a stranger and tell them something embarrassing. But this was no little smudge...it was very obvious. So I worked up the courage and I said, "Excuse me, mam, but you have a big smudge of something on your forehead." She smiled and explained to me that today is lent and those are ashes on her forehead. Ya, she had that big ol' smudge there on purpose. The ONE time I speak up...

"Ohhhh Boy!"

Today after my lunch break I found this lovely message on my office voicemail from a middle aged man.

"Hi this is ________, I was supposed to have an appointment today at 3 with ________ and I’ve been having diarrhea all this morning so um, um, I uh, I just can’t do that, uhhh I think I better rest up. Uuuummmm, the phone number here is ________ and, um, I’ll get back with ________, ya know, as soon as I get better. I hope this doesn’t take too much longer, but I had to pick up my drugs at the drugstore there and uh ya, I won’t be able to make it. I think I’ll try to leave a message on his desk too. Thanks, sorry about this. It’s been- I’ve been doing that- I mean, it’s been going on all morning long, Ohhh Boy. Ok bye."

I definitely played it on the speaker phone at least 3 times so that all the other employees could hear it.

This seriously just made my day.

Dear Jillian,

You're number one in my book. Jason is a loser. He's going to be bored with Melissa and Molly is probably going to bail the second his kid starts acting like a brat. She is definitly not ready to be a step-mom. If they ever bring back polygamy you can be my sister-wife. Wait a second...that is really really weird. Forget I ever said that. But seriously Jill, don't let it get you down...you're freaking awesome...except that you went on Bachelor in the first place, but then again, I'm kind of a loser for watching it. But Jared (my husband) is an even bigger loser for watching it! ha ha ha Seriously, he knows all their names. And last night before we went to bed he said, "you know, sometimes you don't really know how great someone is until they're gone. I think he's going to know he messed up." Yes, my husband was talking "Bachelor" to me in bed.

I freaking love him and all his manliness.

And even though Jason should have picked Jillian, I hope he picks Melissa now...she was my second choice. Molly is straight up a fake country club brat.

True Love

This lovely couple has been dating for the last two 1/2 years. By dating I mean that she cooks for him, gives him his sponge baths, cleans under his rolls, etc. Since he recently lost 500 pounds (he was previously 1200lbs now 700lbs) he finally decided to marry the poor woman....yes, HE didn't want to marry HER. Someone I know had flower girls that were too young to walk down the aisle at their wedding, so they had the ring bearer pull them down the aisle in a wagon decked out in white silk and flowers. Don't you think it's so cute how this bride and groom had the same idea for him? Most romantic thing I've ever seen. Do you think after the ceremony she got in the bed with him to make their exit? I just love weddings...and I love Valentines Day.

It's all about the love!

101.9

No, that is not my favorite radio station.

That was Adelyn's temperature this morning at 3:45am. First I tried to cuddle her, but she didn't appreciate that. So I gave her some baby Tylenol and gave her a luke warm bath. That seemed to help because after she didn't want to go back to sleep she wanted to play. So I put in Beauty & the Beast and made a bed on the living room floor. She drank apple juice and played with her cup and she finally went back to sleep at like 6am.

I'm really tired today.

Sell By, Best By & Expires on

If you look on your gallon of milk it will say "Sell By..." My husband will not drink the milk if it is even a day or two before that date! I have tried to explain to him that the milk is actually still good for at least a few days after that because it doesn't say "Expires..."

I, however, won't eat food that says "Best by..." after the date that it gives. I figure if its best by that date it must mean it doesn't taste as good after that date...and Jen deserves only the best. (I can't believe I just referred to myself in third person.)

On Friday afternoon at work one of the ladies, D., wanted to pop some popcorn. At our office there is always a stock of coffee, hot chocolate and popcorn that is free to all. When she was picking a bag she realized that half of the bags in the box said "Best by Jul. 27, 2005." She jokingly freaked out and ran out of the break room asking if, C. the office manager (who buys the popcorn) was trying to kill all of us. Which then inspired an office debate about whether or not the popcorn was still safe to eat.

I was going to throw the popcorn away when J., an older man, said that when he was in Vietnam in 1973 the army gave them rations that were from 1959 and they were all just fine! "Don't throw those out! They're all perfectly fine!" So D. said, "OK, but YOU can eat that popcorn by yourself." Then D. and I shared a deliciously popped bag of popcorn, "Best By Aug. 13, 2011."

A few minutes later J. decided he would also like some popcorn. So he grabbed a 2005 bag and put it in the microwave bound and determined to show us just how right he was...a little over two minutes later the bag caught fire! It was hilarious. He grabbed the smoking bag and ran it outside to the dumpster...already too late as the whole office stunk of burned four year old popcorn. And yet, he still wasn't finished! He grabbed another 2005 bag, set the microwave for half the time and at 50% power. This bag cooked successfully...if you call successful being a half popped bag of popcorn. He ate what had popped and urged us to try just one piece of popcorn.

It was the most delicious popcorn I have ever tasted. Just kidding...it was completely tasteless. Ya, I'd say we won that one.

PS. From this conversation I also learned that the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the bag are called "Old Maids." I'd never heard that before. I couldn't figure out why they would be called "Old Maids," it turns out my mind was just too pure. I'd share it with you here but it just isn't an appropriate enough topic for my PG blog :)

Oh the things we learn in the office break room.